12.25.2006

*hint* -Amazon.com Wishlist- *hint*

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/25N1HCW8VIS24/

My Amazon.com Wish List

12.16.2006

Mothers, Fathers, Family & me

What I really wanted in a mother I never had. I wanted to be able to dye my hair blue or pink and paint my nails black, and still be loved all the same, I wanted to be unique and different because thats how i felt inside. but still neither of them cared/wanted me to be this way. I never felt good enough for any of my family members. my step-mom's grandkids were like "god's perfect children" and could do no wrong in her eyes. "why don't you do this, nicole is doing it" I never cared what nicole, kelsea, or marisa were doing. I wanted to be ME. plain old crazy me. I wanted to be able to take a walk and clear my head, without explaining to my parents wtf i was doing, because frankly they thought that this was a crazy thing to do! (mind you our neighborhood, included my aunt and uncle across the street, and my grandma a block away, everyone knew me and my family) my first mother or birth mother, is a complete and total wash of a person, I cant even begin to describe my disappointment with her because it only makes me cry...then pisses me off because i actually believed she would change. "maybe i did something wrong last time. ill try it different this time" yeah it never worked. my step mom or as i refer to her as mom...even still....I just wanted simplicity, peace, i wanted to be myself. so what if i didn't have the "perfect outfit" does that make someone look down on you? sure, the people YOU hang out with, and the others you forced me to hang out with. you tried to force me to have friends, attend church, youth group, etc... all in attempts at what? making me have friends? making me more popular? making me more like you? i am me. i always am, at least now. I go around in paint stained jeans, messy hair, no makeup, and black painted fingernails, and you know what? no one cares. and if they do screw them. it is pointless to go through life caring what others think of you. if i truly cared of what others thought of me i would be dead. I didn't want to say this until now but Sol saved my life, and in a way only people who truly love, and trust know what I'm gonna say next. because it had nothing to do with "falling in love" , physical contact, or anything else in that nature. it had to do with letting me be me. the night he called, i was at Maries house, (my moms sisters; my mom was off with her boyfriend for a couple of days) and i was seriously depressed, my life was at a standstill, i didn't care about anything, nor anyone...i don't think they cared about me either. i checked my e-mail on my cell phone in my mind numbing boredom of something to do, and saw he had e-mailed me. I asked my mom's sisters son (he had a computer) if i could use the net. I quickly typed up my cell phone and sent it to him. (only a few days ago I had sent a message to sol on myspace to see if he was interested in anyone.) he called soon after; i was excited to talk to someone completely out of this void of a place i called my life, he was intriguing, totally enchanting, and very spiritual, and intellectual. we chatted we some record like 6 hours or something, that was amazing, i felt like i could never tire of talking to him. i was still on my meds, and i explained to him the whole thing, or what i thought was the whole thing at that time. date: apr23. after the phone call i delayed my plans, and yes i did have plans to kill myself, and yeah i did mentally delay them...just in case... i told myself. then apr25 our first date. i could never forget that night, i went home after a night we both didn't want to end. i was in a euphoric daze. something about him, i kept thinking not sure where to place him in my thoughts. i took out my bible that night...i guess looking for an answer to why this? why now? i couldn't read, i bundled my sweater with his sent under my pillow, put my bible on the floor and fell asleep, having dreams i cannot fathom now. we had other dates, but on may1st, my life came screeching to halt. my mother at that time was taking my $600 checks i was signing them, she was depositing them, and no matter what she says in her defense, i know in my heart that this is what happened. i told her i would give her $500 of my $600 check. leaving only $100 to start saving for a license, college, etc... she refused. and then i did the scariest thing i have ever done. i stood up to her. i told her i would not sign the check. she went in her room grabbed the check and handed it to me and said, heres the check and there's the door. my mom kicked me out, and however many times i play this out in my head it still shocks me to disbelief. i called her friend, the only adult i knew who would take me in as their own. and she did out of the kindness of her heart, i could have gone with sol. he offered me to go there, maybe i should have, but then...everything happens for a reason. so i stayed for about a month there until i moved in-with sol, and the rest is well, my life. Sol showed me something no one had ever shown me before, compassion, love; unconditional love...i had not thought that this could be possible in a person, only god himself i was told could give someone unconditional love, and here was this man, giving me everything , and wanting nothing but the same in return. he didn't give me expensive gifts, no diamond rings, no fancy clothes, i wanted nothing of that. and he didn't want someone who wanted that, so yeah it worked out. you cannot buy love. my mother upon me telling her i had an engagement ring, looked excited until she got closer, and then her excitement faded, she figured i would be wearing a rock. and i had this simple yet elegant infinity ring with a ruby. she didn't get it then, and i doubt she she gets it now. love is infinite. sometimes i feel sorry that she will die lonely and heart broken, and never figure out what is wrong, always blaming others for her own troubles she caused her self. i pray someday she realizes money means nothing. it was kinda funny when i went to reno and i went over to my dads house where my Levi's with a mini levi skirt over it, he didn't get it, he was like "why?" he asked me several times, I kept replying "why not?" i think he still didn't get it. who cares if your little girl is different? i still love my daddy (even with all of the dysfunction) i am/was/always will be "daddies little girl". so why did i write this post? know that maybe my mom might see it. i actually am going to send a copy to her. i want her to know her true folly with me, was never letting me be myself. but now i am and that makes me the happiest person.


one more thing is my weight; what is it with women and how much they weigh??? my mother would scold me if i ate to much! i never properly gained a respect for for food in the right reasons, my body has suffered greatly in the past year because of it, detoxing from lithium does horrible things to your body, so does depression, and lack of eating because of stress. I am 118lbs. and skinnier, and weigh less than I did when I was 16 years old! does this make me proud? NO! I want to at least be 120-125 AT LEAST! I am 5' 2" and am just the right size some would say. I have issues about either being to skinny, or not enough...and it didnt help that my entire childhood/teenage years my weight was constantly scrutinized. this does a lot for young girls psychie and does horrible things to a womans.

I am working on overcoming a lot of what has happened to me, I never really had a great female role model. I am learning to live with that fact, I am happy where I am right now in my life. Happy to be Alive, happy to have a husband who loves me just as much as I love him; and myself...and after 20 years of torturing myself...writing just that is an acomplishent