6.24.2007

YellowStone

hursday sol & i starting driving to riverton, wy to visit my friend alea. we kinda got lost and took a little “detour” and ended up in independance rock, so i took some pics which was cool. we ended up getting to riverton kinda later than expected, but it was sooo worth it. i couldnt believe how much i had missed alea, we met her cool roomate lauren and her fiance (who is also totally awesome) and we just chatted the night away, friday she took us to themopolis, wy and we took a dip in the hot springs, which felt sooo wonderful on my scars from the surgery. we had lunch at a mexican restaunt that didnt know what carne asada was (i am dead serious) then found a cool dollar store to browse, bought some ice-cream at the gas station and headed back to riverton, where she showed us what a hooka was (not my thing but i could get used to it, sol enjoyed it though) i had a wine cooler (yeah i know i am taking pain meds but it was only 1 :P ) then she got me to watch greys anatomy (she had it on DVD) i was hooked on that for the rest of the night! we didnt go to bed until really late, got up early and headed out about 8:00am on sat for yellowstone! it was completely fantastic! no words to describe. if you havent seen it. you need to. yes it would take more than a day to see the park, but what we saw. wow. the beauty of it rendered me speechless. alea is the greatest :) it is amazing how after soo long apart you can connect again like none of those years were missing, its as if we picked up where we left off. i love you alea. & you are an amazing friend and person dont ever forget that k?! as we were driving home the sun was setting over the tetons mountains (sp?) it was like the most beautiful thing i have seen in my entire life. i will never forget it. the whole entire day was filled with amazing landscape, amazing friend & love, and just having fun the entire time even though we were soooo tired from the night before. it so worth it. thank you. thank you. thank you. <3 amber

*note for alea: dont let the chuck noris squirell and his posse worry you, we’ll whip out some kung fu of our own on him. LOL

6.23.2007

yellowstone fun!

hursday sol & i starting driving to riverton, wy to visit my friend alea. we kinda got lost and took a little "detour" and ended up in independance rock, so i took some pics which was cool. we ended up getting to riverton kinda later than expected, but it was sooo worth it. i couldnt believe how much i had missed alea, we met her cool roomate lauren and her fiance (who is also totally awesome) and we just chatted the night away, friday she took us to themopolis, wy and we took a dip in the hot springs, which felt sooo wonderful on my scars from the surgery. we had lunch at a mexican restaunt that didnt know what carne asada was (i am dead serious) then found a cool dollar store to browse, bought some ice-cream at the gas station and headed back to riverton, where she showed us what a hooka was (not my thing but i could get used to it, sol enjoyed it though) i had a wine cooler (yeah i know i am taking pain meds but it was only 1 :P) then she got me to watch greys anatomy (she had it on DVD) i was hooked on that for the rest of the night! we didnt go to bed until really late, got up early and headed out about 8:00am on sat for yellowstone! it was completely fantastic! no words to describe. if you havent seen it. you need to. yes it would take more than a day to see the park, but what we saw. wow. the beauty of it rendered me speechless. alea is the greatest :) it is amazing how after soo long apart you can connect again like none of those years were missing, its as if we picked up where we left off. i love you alea. & you are an amazing friend and person dont ever forget that k?! as we were driving home the sun was setting over the tetons mountains (sp?) it was like the most beautiful thing i have seen in my entire life. i will never forget it. the whole entire day was filled with amazing landscape, amazing friend & love, and just having fun the entire time even though we were soooo tired from the night before. it so worth it. thank you. thank you. thank you. <3 amber


*note for alea: dont let the chuck noris squirell and his posse worry you, we'll whip out some kung fu of our own on him. LOL

6.10.2007

updates, etc.

So...I am going into the doctors tomorrow & then having my gallbladder taken out on tuesday.


on a better note: I finished the invatations for our wedding/renewal of vows/reception :) ppl should get theirs Wednesday or Thursday :)


thats all i have for now I am tired, and freaked out about tomarrow so,.... goodnight.

<3 amber


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6.02.2007

mothers, fathers, and me

What I really wanted in a mother I never had. I wanted to be able to
dye my hair blue or pink and paint my nails black, and still be loved
all the same, I wanted to be unique and different because thats how i
felt inside. but still neither of them cared/wanted me to be this way.
I never felt good enough for any of my family members. my step-mom’s
grandkids were like “god’s perfect children” and could do no wrong in
her eyes. “why don’t you do this, nicole is doing it” I never cared
what nicole, kelsea, or marisa were doing. I wanted to be ME. plain old
crazy me. I wanted to be able to take a walk and clear my head, without
explaining to my parents wtf i was doing, because frankly they thought
that this was a crazy thing to do! (mind you our neighborhood, included
my aunt and uncle across the street, and my grandma a block away,
everyone knew me and my family) my first mother or birth mother, is a
complete and total wash of a person, I cant even begin to describe my
disappointment with her because it only makes me cry…then pisses me
off because i actually believed she would change. “maybe i did
something wrong last time. ill try it different this time” yeah it
never worked. my step mom or as i refer to her as mom…even still….I
just wanted simplicity, peace, i wanted to be myself. so what if i
didn’t have the “perfect outfit” does that make someone look down on
you? sure, the people YOU hang out with, and the others you forced me
to hang out with. you tried to force me to have friends, attend church,
youth group, etc… all in attempts at what? making me have friends?
making me more popular? making me more like you? i am me. i always am,
at least now. I go around in paint stained jeans, messy hair, no
makeup, and black painted fingernails, and you know what? no one cares.
and if they do screw them. it is pointless to go through life caring
what others think of you. if i truly cared of what others thought of me
i would be dead. I didn’t want to say this until now but Sol saved my
life, and in a way only people who truly love, and trust know what I’m
gonna say next. because it had nothing to do with “falling in love” ,
physical contact, or anything else in that nature. it had to do with
letting me be me. the night he called, i was at Maries house, (my moms
sisters; my mom was off with her boyfriend for a couple of days) and i
was seriously depressed, my life was at a standstill, i didn’t care
about anything, nor anyone…i don’t think they cared about me either.
i checked my e-mail on my cell phone in my mind numbing boredom of
something to do, and saw he had e-mailed me. I asked my mom’s sisters
son (he had a computer) if i could use the net. I quickly typed up my
cell phone and sent it to him. (only a few days ago I had sent a
message to sol on myspace to see if he was interested in anyone.) he
called soon after; i was excited to talk to someone completely out of
this void of a place i called my life, he was intriguing, totally
enchanting, and very spiritual, and intellectual. we chatted we some
record like 6 hours or something, that was amazing, i felt like i could
never tire of talking to him. i was still on my meds, and i explained
to him the whole thing, or what i thought was the whole thing at that
time. date: apr23. after the phone call i delayed my plans, and yes i
did have plans to kill myself, and yeah i did mentally delay
them…just in case… i told myself. then apr25 our first date. i
could never forget that night, i went home after a night we both didn’t
want to end. i was in a euphoric daze. something about him, i kept
thinking not sure where to place him in my thoughts. i took out my
bible that night…i guess looking for an answer to why this? why now?
i couldn’t read, i bundled my sweater with his sent under my pillow,
put my bible on the floor and fell asleep, having dreams i cannot
fathom now. we had other dates, but on may1st, my life came screeching
to halt. my mother at that time was taking my $600 checks i was signing
them, she was depositing them, and no matter what she says in her
defense, i know in my heart that this is what happened. i told her i
would give her $500 of my $600 check. leaving only $100 to start saving
for a license, college, etc… she refused. and then i did the scariest
thing i have ever done. i stood up to her. i told her i would not sign
the check. she went in her room grabbed the check and handed it to me
and said, heres the check and there’s the door. my mom kicked me out,
and however many times i play this out in my head it still shocks me to
disbelief. i called her friend, the only adult i knew who would take me
in as their own. and she did out of the kindness of her heart, i could
have gone with sol. he offered me to go there, maybe i should have, but
then…everything happens for a reason. so i stayed for about a month
there until i moved in-with sol, and the rest is well, my life. Sol
showed me something no one had ever shown me before, compassion, love;
unconditional love…i had not thought that this could be possible in a
person, only god himself i was told could give someone unconditional
love, and here was this man, giving me everything , and wanting nothing
but the same in return. he didn’t give me expensive gifts, no diamond
rings, no fancy clothes, i wanted nothing of that. and he didn’t want
someone who wanted that, so yeah it worked out. you cannot buy love. my
mother upon me telling her i had an engagement ring, looked excited
until she got closer, and then her excitement faded, she figured i
would be wearing a rock. and i had this simple yet elegant infinity
ring with a ruby. she didn’t get it then, and i doubt she she gets it
now. love is infinite. sometimes i feel sorry that she will die lonely
and heart broken, and never figure out what is wrong, always blaming
others for her own troubles she caused her self. i pray someday she
realizes money means nothing. it was kinda funny when i went to reno
and i went over to my dads house where my Levi’s with a mini levi skirt
over it, he didn’t get it, he was like “why?” he asked me several
times, I kept replying “why not?” i think he still didn’t get it. who
cares if your little girl is different? i still love my daddy (even
with all of the dysfunction) i am/was/always will be “daddies little
girl”. so why did i write this post? know that maybe my mom might see
it. i actually am going to send a copy to her. i want her to know her
true folly with me, was never letting me be myself. but now i am and
that makes me the happiest person.

one more thing is my weight; what is it with women and how much they
weigh??? my mother would scold me if i ate to much! i never properly
gained a respect for for food in the right reasons, my body has
suffered greatly in the past year because of it, detoxing from lithium
does horrible things to your body, so does depression, and lack of
eating because of stress. I am 118lbs. and skinnier, and weigh less
than I did when I was 16 years old! does this make me proud? NO! I want
to at least be 120-125 AT LEAST! I am 5′ 2″ and am just the right size
some would say. I have issues about either being to skinny, or not
enough…and it didnt help that my entire childhood/teenage years my
weight was constantly scrutinized. this does a lot for young girls
psychie and does horrible things to a womans.

I am working on overcoming a lot of what has happened to me, I never
really had a great female role model. I am learning to live with that
fact, I am happy where I am right now in my life. Happy to be Alive,
happy to have a husband who loves me just as much as I love him; and
myself…and after 20 years of torturing myself…writing just that is
an acomplishent.

mothers, fathers, family, and...me

What I really wanted in a mother I never had. I wanted to be able to
dye my hair blue or pink and paint my nails black, and still be loved
all the same, I wanted to be unique and different because thats how i
felt inside. but still neither of them cared/wanted me to be this way.
I never felt good enough for any of my family members. my step-mom's
grandkids were like "god's perfect children" and could do no wrong in
her eyes. "why don't you do this, nicole is doing it" I never cared
what nicole, kelsea, or marisa were doing. I wanted to be ME. plain old
crazy me. I wanted to be able to take a walk and clear my head, without
explaining to my parents wtf i was doing, because frankly they thought
that this was a crazy thing to do! (mind you our neighborhood, included
my aunt and uncle across the street, and my grandma a block away,
everyone knew me and my family) my first mother or birth mother, is a
complete and total wash of a person, I cant even begin to describe my
disappointment with her because it only makes me cry...then pisses me
off because i actually believed she would change. "maybe i did
something wrong last time. ill try it different this time" yeah it
never worked. my step mom or as i refer to her as mom...even still....I
just wanted simplicity, peace, i wanted to be myself. so what if i
didn't have the "perfect outfit" does that make someone look down on
you? sure, the people YOU hang out with, and the others you forced me
to hang out with. you tried to force me to have friends, attend church,
youth group, etc... all in attempts at what? making me have friends?
making me more popular? making me more like you? i am me. i always am,
at least now. I go around in paint stained jeans, messy hair, no
makeup, and black painted fingernails, and you know what? no one cares.
and if they do screw them. it is pointless to go through life caring
what others think of you. if i truly cared of what others thought of me
i would be dead. I didn't want to say this until now but Sol saved my
life, and in a way only people who truly love, and trust know what I'm
gonna say next. because it had nothing to do with "falling in love" ,
physical contact, or anything else in that nature. it had to do with
letting me be me. the night he called, i was at Maries house, (my moms
sisters; my mom was off with her boyfriend for a couple of days) and i
was seriously depressed, my life was at a standstill, i didn't care
about anything, nor anyone...i don't think they cared about me either.
i checked my e-mail on my cell phone in my mind numbing boredom of
something to do, and saw he had e-mailed me. I asked my mom's sisters
son (he had a computer) if i could use the net. I quickly typed up my
cell phone and sent it to him. (only a few days ago I had sent a
message to sol on myspace to see if he was interested in anyone.) he
called soon after; i was excited to talk to someone completely out of
this void of a place i called my life, he was intriguing, totally
enchanting, and very spiritual, and intellectual. we chatted we some
record like 6 hours or something, that was amazing, i felt like i could
never tire of talking to him. i was still on my meds, and i explained
to him the whole thing, or what i thought was the whole thing at that
time. date: apr23. after the phone call i delayed my plans, and yes i
did have plans to kill myself, and yeah i did mentally delay
them...just in case... i told myself. then apr25 our first date. i
could never forget that night, i went home after a night we both didn't
want to end. i was in a euphoric daze. something about him, i kept
thinking not sure where to place him in my thoughts. i took out my
bible that night...i guess looking for an answer to why this? why now?
i couldn't read, i bundled my sweater with his sent under my pillow,
put my bible on the floor and fell asleep, having dreams i cannot
fathom now. we had other dates, but on may1st, my life came screeching
to halt. my mother at that time was taking my $600 checks i was signing
them, she was depositing them, and no matter what she says in her
defense, i know in my heart that this is what happened. i told her i
would give her $500 of my $600 check. leaving only $100 to start saving
for a license, college, etc... she refused. and then i did the scariest
thing i have ever done. i stood up to her. i told her i would not sign
the check. she went in her room grabbed the check and handed it to me
and said, heres the check and there's the door. my mom kicked me out,
and however many times i play this out in my head it still shocks me to
disbelief. i called her friend, the only adult i knew who would take me
in as their own. and she did out of the kindness of her heart, i could
have gone with sol. he offered me to go there, maybe i should have, but
then...everything happens for a reason. so i stayed for about a month
there until i moved in-with sol, and the rest is well, my life. Sol
showed me something no one had ever shown me before, compassion, love;
unconditional love...i had not thought that this could be possible in a
person, only god himself i was told could give someone unconditional
love, and here was this man, giving me everything , and wanting nothing
but the same in return. he didn't give me expensive gifts, no diamond
rings, no fancy clothes, i wanted nothing of that. and he didn't want
someone who wanted that, so yeah it worked out. you cannot buy love. my
mother upon me telling her i had an engagement ring, looked excited
until she got closer, and then her excitement faded, she figured i
would be wearing a rock. and i had this simple yet elegant infinity
ring with a ruby. she didn't get it then, and i doubt she she gets it
now. love is infinite. sometimes i feel sorry that she will die lonely
and heart broken, and never figure out what is wrong, always blaming
others for her own troubles she caused her self. i pray someday she
realizes money means nothing. it was kinda funny when i went to reno
and i went over to my dads house where my Levi's with a mini levi skirt
over it, he didn't get it, he was like "why?" he asked me several
times, I kept replying "why not?" i think he still didn't get it. who
cares if your little girl is different? i still love my daddy (even
with all of the dysfunction) i am/was/always will be "daddies little
girl". so why did i write this post? know that maybe my mom might see
it. i actually am going to send a copy to her. i want her to know her
true folly with me, was never letting me be myself. but now i am and
that makes me the happiest person.


one more thing is my weight; what is it with women and how much they
weigh??? my mother would scold me if i ate to much! i never properly
gained a respect for for food in the right reasons, my body has
suffered greatly in the past year because of it, detoxing from lithium
does horrible things to your body, so does depression, and lack of
eating because of stress. I am 118lbs. and skinnier, and weigh less
than I did when I was 16 years old! does this make me proud? NO! I want
to at least be 120-125 AT LEAST! I am 5' 2" and am just the right size
some would say. I have issues about either being to skinny, or not
enough...and it didnt help that my entire childhood/teenage years my
weight was constantly scrutinized. this does a lot for young girls
psychie and does horrible things to a womans.

I am working on overcoming a lot of what has happened to me, I never
really had a great female role model. I am learning to live with that
fact, I am happy where I am right now in my life. Happy to be Alive,
happy to have a husband who loves me just as much as I love him; and
myself...and after 20 years of torturing myself...writing just that is
an acomplishent.

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reading again

i have found myself in the middle of 4 books right now. yep. i hate it when that happens :P the one i am most likely going to finish because i cannot put the book down is:
Miss America By Day
By: Marilyn Van Derbur

It is about a Miss America women who suffered from incest from the ages of 5-18 years old. It is hard for me to imagine dealing with it for that long. Mostly because I only had it for 2 constant years. but even now I still have flashbacks. I still have insomnia, I still get weirded out & scared by seemingly harmless "normal" things. I am only 21 but most people when they hear my story cannot believe it. I actually borrowed this book for a survivor. He told me "I knew you had a story the first time you walked in here". I have never met a survivor before and when I glanced at his bookshelf I knew he was one, we got to talking and he let me borrow it. I am on Chapter 4 already. its that good. I cringe when I read some of it, I can relate to a lot of what is being said. The Next Few Posts are some old blogs I wrote so that you can more of less understand. most are written about my step-mom and dad which did not sexually abuse me, that was left for the most part to my stepdad. I will try and find more things I have written and post them in the coming days.




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